Good People

I have good people in my life!  They bless me! 

First, my mother-in-law just sent us a few cards expressing sadness over our loss.  How sweet!  She even sent a note that we'll save to remember that she bought 5 bibles to be placed in her church in honor of our angel baby - that made me cry tears of joy!  FYI for those that don't know how to respond to someone who had a miscarriage - nice cards, hugz, and a gesture like that are PERFECT ways to respond.  Refrain from saying stupid stuff like... "You can have more kids."  "There must have been something wrong with the baby."  "It was God's will."  I could name more, but I'll stop there... just think about how someone might feel after they hear those... okay, I'll move on now.

Next, a fellow speech/debate coach just called to give me some much needed advice on how to coach my team to success!  I was really getting frustrated with this today!!  This guy is God's gift to forensics, and to me!  I'm glad we chatted!

Next, my husband.  He read my blog today and said he looked online to try to find some velvet forget-me-nots to put in that vase I was complaining about in my previous blog entry; however, he wasn't able to find them.  How cute that he went out of his way to look!!!  Anyway, he suggested that we get a picture of forget-me-nots and put that up until we can get some for the vase.  He's soooo sensitive - so sweet - really ladies, I've got the best one out there! ;-)

Next, my daughter.  She makes me smile!  Her comments are so cute!  Then, today when she got frustrated because she still couldn't remember her bible verse for Cubbies tomorrow (I'm talking literally throwing herself on the floor frustrated), I tried to help her understand what the word "made" meant.  I figured that was proably what was tripping her up.  The verse is... "All God made was very good."  So... creative me... I drew a smiley face and then asked her, "Who made that?"  She said, "You mommy!"  Then I said, "Who made you?"  God!  "Who made the trees?" She replied again... God!  I kept asking.. Who made mommy, daddy, the sun...  GOD GOD GOD  Then finally, she got it.  God made everything, and it was good.  She's got that verse down for tomorrow now.  She makes me smile... of course this face would make you smile!

Lastly, I need to give a shout out to my babycenter.com ladies from the Miscarriage August 2010 message board.  They are the ones I know that right now, at this moment, really know how I feel.  And I love it that we turn to each other!

Here's to good people!

Bring on the ice cream!!!

I'm in a mood right now - I'm moody

It all started this weekend when I realized that the necklace I bought to remember the baby we lost - a forget-me-not necklace with gemstones that hang off it to mark the month the baby was conceived and then the month the baby was lost - this necklace has STILL not arrived in the mail yet!  I ordered it not long after the first of the month.  I had even received an e-mail saying that it was in the mail on the 18th.  Well, it's the 29th.  Ten days to ship a necklace?!  I don't think so!  So, I've e-mailed the company, but of course it says on their website that it could take up to 9-14 business days to get to me.  However, I've bought things online before - all the websites say that - but it never takes THIS long to get to me!  I just WANT IT!  I lost the baby; I don't want to lose the necklace too!

Then... I've got this vase.  It was filled with flowers that work had sent me when I was at home recovering from the miscarriage.  It was one of the few things that made me smile that week.  Well, the flowers are dead :-(  So, I decided that I wanted to fill the vase with... you guessed it... forget-me-nots.  It would be a nice tribute to have around.  So, I went to Michaels not too long ago to get some forget-me-nots (the plastic kind that do not die) only to have the sales lady tell me that they aren't in season right now so they don't carry them :-(((  Which means I'm going to have an empty vase until spring.  EMPTY - like my womb right now.

I just want something more to remember the baby.  We did buy this nice box that has the baby's ultrasound pics in it. I light a candle next to it almost every day.  It makes me feel better.

But I need more right now.  After going to find out of season forget-me-nots didn't work, I went to the christian bookstore in search of books on pregnancy loss - and found NOTHING.  Goose egg!  Then I went to Books-A-Million.  And I know there must have been something there, but I couldn't find it.  And I wasn't about to ask a sales clerk, "Hey, do you know where the books on miscarriage are?"  FORGET IT!  I wandered down the isles searching for something, anything I could maybe read and get comfort from... then I stumbled down the baby book isle... and got really dizzy. 

So, I left there, and went to Wal-Mart.  I got my Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Brownie Chunk ice cream!  And now, I  plan on emotionally eating the entire pint!  I can do it, too!! While contemplating writing a book about miscarriage, cause it makes me mad that the christian book store had nothing there. 

Bring on the ice cream!

Exhausted!

Whoa... These days, even small things like doing the laundry and washing dishes, wear me out!  Combine that with grocery shopping and a friend's party - forget it!  I'm exhausted!!!  And I'm sick of this!!!!  I want my energy back - not that I had a lot before but still I had more than this.  Physically, I'm struggling to get back physical stamina.  I already know, it will be nap time when I come home from church tomorrow - and if anyone tries to get in my way... I'll snap!

Beth was sick Thursday when we got home from work/school, so I stayed out with her on Friday.  I'm so glad I did!!!  I realized... I needed the day off too.  I still haven't made it through a full week of school yet, but... oh well. I'm not too worried about it.  I'm taking it one day at a time.  I'm just thankful I've taught American Lit for 8 years in a row and could probably teach it sleeping... cause, right now, it feels like sometimes I do ;-)  jk... well, somewhat.

Anyway, maybe I should start taking some of that B12 supplement my regular doctor suggested?  She had said last time I was with her that I should take some; it was low.  However, I'm still taking the prenatal vitamin; it has some in it...  I hate taking pills, but maybe I should take more if it'll give me some energy.

On a good note about my body... I lost 8 pounds this week!  It was my first week counting points - back on Weight Watchers.  A loss like that occurs everytime I change my diet.  I drink more water, don't eat ice cream :-(, and eat reasonably portion sizes... and taa daa... weight loss.  I'm glad my body is cooperative like that :-) 

Oh well... exhausted... going to bed now..

My Story - My Loss

My name is Jamie. I'm a high school English teacher, speech team coach, mother to a 3.5 year old girl named Beth, and married to the most caring, understanding, giving man alive! Praise the Lord, I was saved the summer before my senior year in high school. I've been growing in the Lord since then; however, He rocked my world on August 4th of this year when I saw on an ultrasound that our baby, that was supposed to be 8 weeks, was only measuring 6 weeks. Also that day, the heart I had seen beating on my birthday just a week before had stopped beating...


Let me back up a little. My husband and I always knew we wanted 2 children, knew (and still know) that God had that plan for us. We started praying when Beth was 3 as to when we should start on baby number 2 - then one morning in my quiet time, my girl awoke and caught me praying. :-) She knelt beside me and said, "Watcha doing mommy?" I replied, "Praying." She paused, thought about that, then commanded, "Well, pray!" So with her kneeling beside me I started to pray that we would be good and Jesus would be pleased with us... then my child breaks in and says, "Jesus, please give my mommy a baby!" Well, needless to say, we had our answer. We started to try to conceive...

In July, we saw a positive pregnancy test! On my birthday, July 26, we went in for the first ultrasound at 7 weeks and knew something was wrong... we could see a heartbeat, a sac, but not much else. The doctor asked if my timing could be off... if maybe I wasn't as far along as I had thought... However, I knew my timing wasn't off. She took some blood, and we started the wait and see game.

The blood revealed that I had low progesterone, so she put me on prometrium. Everything I read online said prometrium prescribed during the 7th week was more like a last ditch effort to save a miscarriage - and it rarely works. I was so worried, but I hung on to every shred of hope I could find! However, as stated above, on Wednesday, Aug. 4th, via ultrasound, we saw the baby had developed some more, but there was no heartbeat. I had started spotting, cramping some, and the very next day I had my miscarriage.

The bleeding was awful! I had taught school that day, in immense pain! The tylenol was taking the edge off though. However, when I got home from work, sat down on the toliet, a lot of blood and clots fell from me... I knew it was the baby. I cried, tried to compose myself cause my daughter was home, called the doctor, and she had me come in for an ultrasound to confirm the miscarriage. The ultrasound showed that everything was on it's way out... no more baby... nothing... The D&C we had scheduled for tomorrow was cancelled. My body, my God, had taken care of what He had started.

I would just love to know why - even though I know I'll never really know in this life. I'm hoping to draw some comfort from His holy word. Life after the miscarriage has been tough. Two days after it, I caught a stomach virus, then I got dehydrated, and then when I tried to return to work after being out for so long, I had a panic attack before school had even started - dizziness and light headedness. It's only now, over 3 weeks later, that I can say physically, I'm getting back to my old self... emotionally, getting better.

I'm different. We're different. We'll never be the same. I miss my baby. We memorialized him/her by buying a special box we put the ultrasound pictures in. We had it engraved, "God Bless our Little Angel - August 5, 2010" I also have purchased a forget-me-not necklace in the baby's memory. These things give me comfort in those few moments I have where I still need to cry. I don't know when we'll try to conceive again, but I do know that a new baby will never replace the one we lost.

Praying healing for everyone who has experienced a loss!
Jamie

My First Entry

A friend of mine - co-worker and avid blogger (you know who you are ;-) - has inspired me to start my own blog.  She suggested to me one day that it would be helpful to write down my thoughts and feelings to help me through my miscarriage this August.  I thought about it, and after writing a few journal entries on babycenter.com, I have found that writing does offer me a kind of release from my anxieties, surging emotions (and probably hormones), so I decided to create this blog! 

Now WARNING!  This is where I write out my feelings, so if you know me - don't take offense to anything I say, you know I never mean it to be that way - and if you don't know me, perhaps you can find some comfort in that there is someone out there as crazy as yourself ;-)  Also, yes, I am an English teacher; however, I will not go back and edit my - as my blogger friend calls it - mental vomit.  Just deal!  I correct grammar all day - it's not gonna happen here!

Anyway, I'm going to post the journal I wrote for babycenter.com on here called My Story - My Loss.  My loss is what has sparked this need for a dear diary type of blog.  Anyway, if you're reading this - thx for caring enough about me to follow along...