for Jesus

I want to learn how to better pray the scriptures.  I know this can be powerful, but I don't do this enough - partly because I haven't put much effort into learning how.  One of these days, I intend to take Beth Moore's study on this topic, but until then, I want to try to find key scriptures for areas that I know I struggle in and very often end in defeat and depression. 

One of those areas lately is work.  I teach high school English, and this can be pretty draining - emotionally and physically and mentally.  Anyway, I can't tell you how many times I heard teachers say this sentence yesterday - "I'm over it!"  There is currently MUCH to be "over" in education in general and especially in our particular school/county/state right now. 

However, I knew when I was getting into teaching, I would be underpaid, overworked, and unappreciated. I knew I was going to have to work along side those who - well, to be quite honest, I have no idea WHY they are teaching! Why else would you teach except for the kids?!  Right!??!  Yet, so many seem to make it their mission in education to make kids' lives miserable - and the lives of those teachers attempting to instill in them hope, a love of learning, and just overall character growth.

I guess lately, I also am "over it!"  But like I said, I knew what I was getting into when I took this job.  These things shouldn't be a surprise, but somehow they are lately...

I know teaching is where I should be because when I think about other careers, I can see me in no other place but teaching - and specifically teaching at this high school where I work.  I've got to work - financially - but even more than that, I want to work!

So as I contemplated why I've been feeling so miserable at work... why when I walk through the doors I instantly have this feeling of dread for my day... I realized my mission/focus was out of wack! I teach because Jesus called me to teach.  I coach because I believe he called me there too.

So since He called me to do these things, I need to do them as unto Him.  So here's the scripture I'm going to try to memorize and say before I walk into the school, during my planning and lunch, and as I get ready to end my day...

Colossians 3:23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.

So, I do not teach for the rude parents, the ungrateful students... I do it for the Lord!  Because He called me to do it, and because He can do amazing things through the most unusual people - me (unskilled in many ways), Moses (who couldn't speak publicly, fearful), David (had a man killed, committed adultery, but was still known as a man after God's own heart), Peter (denied Jesus three times, but he was the rock on which the church was built), and Paul (killed Christians for fun, then became the most well-respected one of them!)

I know He can use me here where I teach!  Besides, I do intend to have Beth go to school here one day. She already loves cheering on the cheifs! :-)))  I should stay, and help Jesus shine a light in this dark place - for her, for her future fellow peers, but most importantly for Jesus.  This is where He has called me to serve.

 My girl and me at the last Friday night football game yesterday where I teach.

Fatigue and Fears

I'm tired.

Yes, I know... It's the end of a long day; we're all tired. But - I'm tired! Like, exhausted and can hardly think tired. And it's freaking me out :-(

With the passing of each successive AF, fatigue seems to grip me more fiercely every month. Last night, I went to bed at 8:30pm ya'll - 8:30pm! And as soon as I get done typing this and peeking at facebook, I'm going to go to bed - 9:00pm.

Hubby wanted to watch a movie again tonight, but again, I've told him I'm going to bed. I could hardly hold my eyes open tonight during Brother George's sermon. I've never almost fallen asleep during preaching! Yet, it seems to be getting more difficult to stay awake. And he's not the kinda preacher where you would WANT to fall asleep!

Anyway, I'm sorry. I'm sure you didn't want to read a post about how tired I am when I'm sure you are too. But this unusual extreme fatigue has me worried about me. It's crossed my mind that maybe I should go see my OB. For a few reasons...

1. extreme fatigue since the miscarriage - I should just eat more veggies and suck it up, right?

2. a normal low B12 - my regular physician diagnosed me with this after the miscarriage, but I'm afraid to take the extra B12 supplements on top of my prenatals because, well, would that be too much B12 vitamin? Best just to not take it - it's a normal low - don't stress, right?

3. a different AF - I won't gross you out with details, but it's different. But it's going to be different, right? I shouldn't bother her with that... right?  It'll get back to the way it was, right?

See... just when I think about calling her, I talk myself out of it.  I don't really want to go back to that office right now anyway.  I was kinda hoping the next time I saw her would be because I'm pregnant.  I should just give this all more time... right?

night night ya'll

two GREAT things to share - a nice end to MHM :-)

First... a conversation between my daughter and I...

Beth: Momma, can I wear the butterfly PJs?
Me: No, those are too small.  I should put those away.
Beth: To give to the baby!
Me: What baby?
Beth: The baby Jesus is going to put in your tummy.
Me: (choked up) Yes, maybe.
Beth: But Mommy, you have to wait patiently, right?
Me: (choked up) Yes, sweetie.

few mins later...

Beth pulls out a DVD and says, "Mommy, let's watch Sleeping Beauty.  And when the baby gets here, we can watch it together!"

Me: *speechless*

This conversation makes me happy.  It came out of NOWHERE!  I swear; I haven't talked to her about our Angel Baby and she hasn't overheard Michael and I talk about babies.  This is almost as if God is saying to me we'll have that rainbow baby someday... :-))))  I can still hope, right?

Second... I just won a giveaway from Jessica who blogs at Too Beautiful for Earth!  The first time I've won a blog giveaway!  I'm gonna get an Angel Baby bracelet!!! 

Mental Health Monday couldn't get any better!!!!  Thanks Jessica!!

Mental Health Monday :-)

Okay, so I took today off from work in advance because I knew I'd be worn out after my crazy long weekend with speech and debate and quickly following that, 2nd grade Sunday School packed with 20 kids (mostly hyper boys). I'm glad I did it! Perfect timing for a day off!!

After AF and my new realization that I need more time for me to grieve our Angel Baby, today has given me some time to do that... to cry, to read blogs, to listen to awesome music and pray. I feel good!  I think I'll make this a tradition. At least once a month - mental health Monday!

This picture makes me smile!  Consider it the official Mental Health Monday (MHM) pic!!  I'll have to look and see what Monday in November would be the best one to choose for MHM Day 2 hhehehee

This day has helped me to better come to terms with not obsessing about TTC.  I'm REALLY - with God's help - going to try and just let baby number 3 happen without my constant worry.

In order to do this, I'm going to take days to concentrate on me and my Lord, and on things I want to do.  And then I'm going to take days to concentrate on Beth, and days to concentrate on Michael. I'm going to try to be more deliberate about this. 

I really am very blessed!  With good health, a loving husband, a happy, healthy 3 year old cutie.  I have a great church family, and a job.  I don't have everything figured out, but that's okay.  One day at a time with my savior, right?

This MHM has consisted of sleeping in to the sound of the pouring rain (LOVE THIS), time in bible study and prayer, cleaning my bathrooms (yes, having a clean bathroom makes me happy), taking a relaxing bath, and lounging on the couch... now, nap time before I go get my girlie. Then, we'll see...

Take a mental health day!

reality check

I'm not sure what to type right now - I just know I need to type.  Ever had a moment like that my fellow bloggers? ;-)

I realized something tonight during the online bible study that I participate in with some of the most AMAZING ladies I have ever had the privilege to "meet."  I realized... I'm not over it.  And I know I've written before that I hope I never "get over it."  What I mean by that is I never want to forget our Angel Baby.  That life!  What I mean now when I type "I'm not over it" is that I'm still very much grieving for that baby.  And that my trying to conceive lately has been about trying to "get over it" - meaning stop the grieving.  And that's not good. 

I guess it was a blessing that I didn't get pregnant this month.  It helped me to realize all this - that and the ladies in this bible study with Anchored by Hope. 

I almost want to stop trying to conceive - almost.  And I guess we'll stop "trying" in that I'll stop insisting on the regularity of our being together (Michael and I). 

((sigh)) I don't really know what I mean.  I guess I really don't know who I am right now if I'm not trying to conceive.  That's not good.  Again, I think that after tonight I see all that trying as an attempt to stop grieving.  That's not good.

I had written in my previous post...
If the only other child I have besides Beth is my Angel Baby - then so be it!  I WILL LAY THIS AT MY SAVIOR'S FEET AND NOT PICK IT UP AGAIN! 

And a fellow, dear, blogger had posted in reply...
"Also glad that you are at peace and all... wish I was as calm as you."

Truth is though, I am no where near what I had posted previously.  I am not at peace and calm about anything.  That's a lie I keep trying to sell myself. 

I bargain with God.  That was pointed out to me tonight too.  And when I reread my last post, I can even see it there!
I'm not going to obsess any longer about getting pregnant again.  Don't get me wrong... I'll continue to chart my BBT, use a few OPKs, and take my prenatal vitamins; however, if it doesn't happen, then it doesn't happen.

Who am I kidding?!  I guess I'm trying to kid myself - writing that I'm not going to obsess and then in the next few lines writing that I'll temp, use OPKs and take prenatals - LOL.  And when I typed if it doesn't happen, then it doesn't happen what I really mean is, If can fool myself into thinking I'm okay with what may be or not be my current reality with having or not having another child, maybe Jesus then will bless me with that baby I want.

I need to grieve - not TTC.  It hurts to type that because I want a baby so badly; I want Beth to have a sibling; I want to be pregnant.  However, I still need to grieve.  If I'm TTCing, I focus too much on that.  Problem now is... I don't know how to stop.  Is there a TTCing anonymous out there, anyone?!

I guess I'll take some steps, baby steps in that direction... my free VIP membership at fertilityfriend.com is coming to an end.  I'll try not to spend money on continuing that... although, I don't think I can bring myself to stop temping.  I won't buy any OPKs.  We'll just try once, maybe twice around suspected ovulation time... baby steps, ya'll. 

Oh, Jesus, please see this as me trying to give this over to you - for you to deal with it.  I'm TRYING.  I can't do it on my own - heck, I can't do it, Lord!  Help!

Also, I need to give myself some time to continue to grieve.  On that note, I'll leave you with a youtube video that the leader of our study shared with us tonight.  It's beautiful!  When I listen to it, I can hear my Angel Baby's voice in it.  Thanks for sharing Kristie!

This Weekend and This...

Went to a speech and debate tournament this weekend:

Yes, I have a weird look on my face - can't remember why - and yes, I am wearing slippers - because after a long day of walking around a high school, my feet start to HURT ;-)


Anyway, the above picture represents why I sacrifice for speech and debate at the high school where I teach.  These kids did soooo well!!!!  And as a result, the coach - me - got a trophy!!! :-)))  I love to put new shinny things in my classroom.  They make me happy.



They make me happy... teaching makes me happy... my church family and serving there makes me happy... my husband and daughter make me sooooo happy!  So, why am I not happy at times???????


Because I choose not to be.  I love quotes, and one of my favorite ones is, "Life is 1% what happens to you and 99% how you react to it." 


So, I'm choosing to be happy from now on!  I'm choosing to focus on all the great things that make up my life - because you  never know when it will be taken from you.  A friend of mine lost her sister this past week. The sister was happily married, had a 6 year old, an adopted 1 year old, and a new 6 week old... then had a migraine, and died shortly thereafter of a stroke.  She had pre-eclampsia during her pregnancy, and it must have been a resulting complication from that... even 6 weeks after delivery. :-(


The point of sharing that is this - life is short!  It could be gone at any moment!!  So as I said to my juniors after reading the poem "Thanatopsis" by William Cullen Bryant on Thursday, to quote the poem...


So live, that when thy summons comes to join

The innumerable caravan which moves

To that mysterious realm where each shall take
His chamber in the silent halls of death,
Thou go not, like the quarry-slave at night,
Scourged by his dungeon; but, sustain'd and soothed
By an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave,
Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch
About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams.

I'm not going to obsess any longer about getting pregnant again.  Don't get me wrong... I'll continue to chart my BBT, use a few OPKs, and take my prenatal vitamins; however, if it doesn't happen, then it doesn't happen.  If the only other child I have besides Beth is my Angel Baby - then so be it!  I WILL LAY THIS AT MY SAVIOR'S FEET AND NOT PICK IT UP AGAIN! 


My life is not my own.  It was bought and paid for by my Jesus.


Dear Jesus,
As long as I'm here, thank you for the time
May everything I do bring you the glory, not mine
Thank you for my babies and my husband, so dear
Thank you for my church and my career
I just want to know you more and grow
Then to see you one day, to reap what I now sow
This I then will lay down at your feet
And worship you forever, walking down your golden street
Love,
Your adoring daughter - Jamie


I don't know where that just came from!  I'm a poet and didn't know it ;-)  LOL

AF and Ice Cream

I just started my period. :-((((  And I feel like I've miscarried all over again. No, I haven't miscarried.  I just feel like I have.  Miscarried my dream of being pregnant in November... and of having missed another chance at having the best Christmas present ever - a baby. 

Yeah, I can't write too much right now, or I'll start weeping again.  I just want my Angel Baby back...........

I'm going to get my girl, and we're going out for ice cream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

((sigh))

I just got done reading some blogs - I really do love reading about everyone else's joys and/or struggles.  It reminds me that others are out there living life too.  Now you might be thinking - duh!?  Obviously people are out there living  their lives!! HELLO JAMIE!?  And - LOL - I know, I know... However, I sometimes get caught up in my own little world, my own little emotions and problems and joys, and so I forget about other people and their lives - don't you have those moments?

Then, I get selfish, and there are times I want to strangle others who rain on my day - like lying students who claim they are dying ((sigh)) Still working through my emotions to forgiveness on that one.  And I will.  I'll get there.  She is obviously starved for attention - divorced family situation and whatnot.

Right now though, I'm exhausted!!!  Sometimes I get so tired, I can hardly talk.  I think I must sound drunk at times to my 5th period American literature class - by that point I've taught the lesson they are receiving three times already that day, and I'm so tired/bored with it that my eyes start to cross and my speech starts to slur.

I'm hoping that this extreme exhaustion right now is due to being pregnant.  No, I haven't gotten a BFP yet (big fat positive on a pregnancy test).  In fact, I'm so impatient for a BFP, I took a test this morning and it was a BFN.  Something inside me knew it would be.  It's too early yet to get a positive on a pregnancy test. But I wanted to try anyway. 

It's a downer - the BFN.  However, I have another one to share from today - another downer that is.  I stopped by Walgreens today to pick up a refill of my prenatal vitamins.  I finally ran out of them, and my OB wants me to keep taking them while we TTC (try to conceive) just in case of BFP.  Anyway, the lady at Walgreens was going to ring them up for me and hand them over, then she says, "The pharmacist wants to talk to you first."  Well... okay, I say.  So I wait.... and wait... and wait... finally she comes back and says, "He just needs to know if you're pregnant and really need these?" 

I took a deep breathe... looked her straight in the eye.... and said... "I was.  I miscarried that baby.  We are trying again, so I could be pregnant at this moment.  There's no way to tell just yet, and that's why my doctor wants me to keep taking them while we try to conceive."  I said this in a very even - I want to kill you for bringing this up - kind of tone while never losing eye contact with her (which I'm kinda proud of).  Anyway, there was an awkward silence and then she turned away from me to tell the pharmacist what I said. 

I finally got my vitamins, and I hope she and that pharmacist feel like crap - because that's how they made me feel at that moment.

(((sigh)))  <------  I do that a lot lately, sigh.
   

what a BAD day - you're not going to believe it...

Well ... ((((cue huge sigh)))  I don't even know where to start...  How about I just list the reasons why I'm just... um... melancholy (to use a word none of my students ever seem to know what it means)

1. Waiting until Friday morning to test (which is early to take a pregnancy test but I'm gonna try anyway) is driving me a little batty.  I keep thinking AF is coming with every ache and pain :-(

2. Every time I walk into the high school where I teach, I feel my stress level begin to increase.  A part of that has to do with the 120 essays on The Crucible that are sitting on my desk in the English office seemingly screaming my name when I walk into the room.  Cue guilt trip for having not started grading them yet :-(

3. The Autumn Argument, our speech and debate tournament at the high school which I help coordinate, is coming up fast - Nov. 6th.  And I have done everything I need to do to get things ready for that?  Nope.  And time just keeps ticking away.  I just have no desire any longer to do much for speech and debate - despite how important an activity I believe it to be for my students.

4. Lincoln County High School Tournament for speech and debate this weekend.  It's 3 hours away - every minute worth the drive - but I'm not looking forward to the drive home.  It's just hard to stay awake after a long drive there and then back home.  Pray for me Saturday as help to transport 20 students to this tournament - 4 of which will be in my car.

5. And last, but certainly not least - the is the OMG moment promised in this post's title - I had a student inform me today that she is dying from a brain tumor.  It looks bad - that's what she told me.  So after she shared this news and how hard it has been for her to talk with God about this... after she explained how difficult it was for her to pray because of her anger... I shared that I knew how she felt; I shared how with the loss of our Angel Baby this year, I learned how important it is to spend time with God despite how we may feel.  I encouraged her to pray.  Then we prayed together.  Hang on.... story isn't done ... :-(

So, I tell some other teachers about this poor student's plight :-(  And they respond, well, she's probably lying to me :-o  They encouraged me to call home and talk with a parent, and if it is true, then I should encourage him to contact all her teachers with the news.  So, that's what I did... and  so... yup... she lied to me :-(((

I have no idea what to do with that.  It's just the icing on top of my already bad cake that is today.  AND while at church tonight, the child called my cell phone (she has my number because she's on my speech team and at tournaments they need it for emergency purposes).  Anyway, she appologized.  Wants to talk to me.  And right now, all I really want to do, is ring her little neck!!!

However, I'm a Christian.... and the associate preacher tonight preached on... yep, you guessed it... extending grace and forgivness to those that have wronged you.  ((((((SiGh)))))

I'm not feeling it right now people... right now, I'm feeling... like... I need a big pint of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie ICE CREAM! 

So glad THAT is OvEr!!!

Okay, so I awoke at 5am :-( to shower and get ready to take my toddler (who is 3 years 10 months old) to the hospital for her ear tube removal surgery. Over $1,000 later after insurance - yes you read it right SUX - we're home and resting comfortably.

Now... get ready for more than you probably want to know about toddlers and anaesthesia... brace yourself!

First, they gave her versed (sp?) (just checked sp, it's good) which they called "the happy juice." Aptly named people! In fact, I was like ROTFLOL as I watched my child after that versed - it was like she had just drunk an entire keg by herself (which I wouldn't know anything about because I've never had a drink in my life, but I've seen lots of movies ;-)

Anyway, that versed was great because they then took her from my arms and she didn't seem to mind at all. In fact, she waved at me as the nurse and anaesthesiologist took her around the corner.  She probably would have been fine with that even if they hadn't given her the versed, but more about my independent no-fear-of-anything child later.

They had told me what they planned to do.  She would blow into a balloon, and when she sucked in air from that balloon, jolly rancher flavored air would pass into her system and she would be out... like......a.......... l i g h t

Let me tell you, I was grateful they took her from my arms for that!  I've heard that parents who watch that process have nightmares for MONTHS or YEARS!  Because after the child has sucked in that flavored anaesthesia, they collapse - literally!  And look DEAD!  So some mommies may have freaked out over the fact that they just read I couldn't be with my child until she went to sleep - However, I'm praising my savior for having spared me from that moment!!!  I wasn't sure it was going to happen that way because when she got the tubes in her ears, she was at a different location, not the local hospital.  Anyway, she was only gone from me for... 10 mins?  Then they walked me back to where she waking up - cue my tears.

I cant' help it.  It's a very disturbing feeling watching your child cry and cry because she doesn't understand what is going on and she doesn't feel good - really, feels like crap after anaesthesia - don't we all? - and no one can do anything (including mommy) to make her feel better! :-((((  So I shed some tears with her.  Finally, after about 20 mins, she relaxed enough to fall asleep for 30 mins and then was fine.

We're sitting at home now watching Tinkerbell's Great Adventure.  Nap time is fast approaching, and I'm anticipating she'll have a nice long one today!   

It's over.  Why was I so anxious in the first place?  Thinking more on it, I was FOR SURE more anxious about her surgery to remove those tubes than I was for her surgery to put them in.... why? ... I'm sure the loss of my Angel Baby plays a small roll in that.  Because after a pregnancy or infant loss, you realize just how fragile life is.  How quickly it comes and can go.... Not that I didn't know that before, but now I KNOW that.... You know?

Anyway.... So glad THAT is OvEr!!!! ;-)

Tubes

When Beth was 1 - actually a few days before her 1st birthday - she got tubes put in her ears.  She had back to back to back to back ear infections, and it was looking as if that was going to be the story of her life... at least as long as she was in daycare around all those germs.  So we had made the decision to let the doctor put the ear tubes in at 1 year old...

1 Year Old and a few months - Beth

It was the best decision we'd ever made regarding her health - at least, so far.  The tubes, on a regular basis, did what they were meant to do - that is allowed the ears to drain out all the infection whenever she got a cold.  I can't imagine what would have happened if we hadn't done it!?  She had ear infections like they were going out style!!!  Even more so after the tubes!!!!  Her hearing would have been very damaged by multiple ear infections had we not gone through with it.  She probably would have ended up with speech problems, too.  Anyway, here she is now...



We go here to get our pumpkins every year, and so just to compare this to 3 years ago...

 

She's grown up so fast!!!  And I'm so stinkin worried about this surgery tomorrow!  I wasn't really too worried about it when she got them put in her ears, but now I'm anxious about her getting them out.  Anxious because she's going to have to get put to sleep again for this procedure.... and anxious about her hearing and having ear infections again (even though she hasn't had one in over a year!)

I'm just being silly!  Right?!



the appropriate response

Tonight was the 3rd Annual Remembrance Celebration (aka Rainbow of Roses) sponsored by the Zoe Rose Foundation.  This event is hosted every year in honor of pregnancy and infant loss awareness day/month.  I had some other amazing ladies - and fellow baby loss mommas from my church - go with me!

It was a beautiful night!  The ceremony was perfect - Zoe Rose's mom shared Zoe's story, and a few other mommas shared their babies' stories.  There were a few songs sang by a lovely lady along with readings of poems. 

There was a speaker there that is a pregnancy/infant loss counselor, and I was particularly struck by what she shared.  She talked about how the bible says... the good Lord gives, and He takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.  She talked about how the last part there, "blessed be the name of the Lord," is tough to say but very necessary.  She emphasized that the appropriate response to the loss of our babies was gratitude (for having had what we had, however little for some)... blessed be the name of the Lord!  She illustrated this by telling the following story...

She knew a family that went overseas - I forget the reason why - but they had to  go overseas and they couldn't take all their kids toys with them, so this familly gave the bigger toys to the speaker and her family to keep and play with until they returned from overseas.  Well, you can imagine, the speakers kids had a great time playing with the toys and enjoyed them thouroughly!  And when the family who had gone overseas came back and came to retrieve the toys, the speaker's daughter threw a holy fit!  She didn't want to lose those toys she had becomes so fond of!! The speaker had a hard time explaining to her daughter that they toys were never hers to begin with - that their owner was letting them borrow them for a time - and now they had to be returned to the original owner.  The daughter was grief stricken!  And still the speaker tried to explain to her daughter that the appropriate response to the owner coming back for her toys was to say, "Thank you, for having let me borrow those toys and play with them for that short time."  Despite the sorrrow, the speaker tried to explain to her daughter that she should focus on being thankful for what she had or the sadness would overcome her, and as a result turn her ugly.

This whole story was said to hit home what our (pregnancy/baby loss mommas) appropriate response should be to the loss of our children - that is gratitude.  However hard it is, we should be more thankful than sorrowful that we had what time we did with the little souls granted to us... whether it was a short 8 weeks like me or more into a second trimester or even a few months after birth.  Whatever time we were given with those angels, we need to be thankful for it, and despite the sorrow, not hang onto the grief but pour out instead gratitude.

I loved that story!!!  And I loved the candle lighting after the ceremony that filled a hill...



Here's the little light in honor of our angel baby...

And so I'll end this post by saying how grateful I am for having had my Angel Baby!  He/She has changed my life in so many ways - most good!  I am so grateful for this!!  I am so grateful for the things I am now doing to help those who've suffered a loss - my blog, the message board I'm participating in, the online bible study ladies whom I love... And I'm so grateful for what I plan on doing in memory of my Angel Baby - next year a candle lighting at my church, to participate again in this even, to maybe lead a bible study at my church, and maybe help out with an online ministry... the possibilites are endless, and make me happy! 

Angel Baby, thank you so much for what you've done for me and others!  You will never be forgotten!!  Mommy loves you!

confused

Why do some people see the honoring of Oct. 15th and participation in pregnancy and baby loss events by a pregnancy loss momma (ME) as equal to = she must still be grieving; I hope she gets over this soon, poor girl...  ?????

Actually, I'm fine!  I see honoring the meaning behind Oct. 15th as a way to celebrate the life that was our angel baby.  It makes me somber, yes, but happy!  This is not something I'll "get over"!  At least I hope not...

which brings me to my next confused moment... while talking with someone today who also experienced a loss, she expressed concern over whether or not I was okay.  Why would she think otherwise?  Because I invited multiple people, including her, to come with me to a rememberance event tomorrow night?  Because I have posted multiple things on facebook about how important this weekend is and that we all need to take the time to remember? 

She remarked that she was past what had happened to her - she's moved on.  Past it?  She said I would get there one day after I had our second child. Really?!

I remarked that this was great for her, but as for me, I never want to get past it... I want to always remember that little life, and I want to remember how it's changed me, and I don't want another child to take away the loss of our Angel Baby. I want that life to have meant something via this blog, via events, via other ways I've yet to pin down...

Am I crazy in thinking and behaving this way!?  There are some that act as if I am...

Anyway, I thought I'd post a link to one of my favorite blogs that currently has a post up about Oct. 15th.  It's very good!  Grab your tissues though before you read it ;-)

Enjoy... Not Super, Just Mom

Did you light your candle tonight?  I did!!!

Coss Hairs and Progesterone

Guess who got a cross hairs on her BBT chart via fertilityfriend.com ????
This tells when I ovulated for those that don't know about this kinda thing.

Anyway, can you guess who????

Yup!!! ME!!!! Here's the link to my chart if you are curious and wanna take a look...

If this is correct, I ovulated on day 15 of my cycle and given our "activity" should have a fertilized egg ready to make itself a new home ;-)  

This is where the worry begins...  and the excitement!  I'm excitedly waiting for when I can test to get that BFP - God willing - I'm wanting to see if the Lord bless us with it... that rainbow baby.  Makes me giddy to think of it :-)))

Yet, there is that nagging worry that I guess only one who's had a pregnancy loss and is TTC can really explain.  It's the, "What if it happens again..."  Now, the doctor and ultrasound tech really believe that the loss of my baby at 8 weeks was due to bad egg meets bad sperm - or at least one or the other.  The ultrasound at 8 weeks that showed my baby with no more heartbeat saw a sack that measured 5 weeks and a baby that measured 6, so that's how they reached that conclusion.  Anyway, this means that my low progesterone detected at week 7 wouldn't have really made a difference in that pregnancy. 

However, I'd never had low progesterone before!  And so maybe that was a sign of a deficiency that could harm future pregnancies...?   cue worry

Well, tonight I started taking the prometrium - synthetic progesterone - that my doctor had given to me at 7 weeks as a last ditch effort to save my baby.  I have left overs - an orders for refills.  What I've learned from temping and reading a lot on how pregnancy really works, and what my girlfriend ((love her)) has been chatting with me about at work, all says that progesterone is needed to sustain a pregnancy - to foster the ground where the egg will implant and then stick.  Perhaps you could call progesterone the "sticky dust" we talk about on message boards.  :-)  Can't hurt to take it... only possibly help, right?

Well, every night I plan on taking that progesterone and... we'll see...  I'm going to throw in my own sticky dust and... wait.  Hoping for BFP on or near Oct. 25th... I'll probably test Sat. Oct 23 in the morning with one of those early detection tests.

It's really exciting!  I think our Angel Baby would be happy for us while playing with Jesus in heaven.  At least, that's how I'm envisioning it.

October 15th

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Everyone is invited to light a candle on Oct. 15th at 7pm in ALL time zones, ALL over the world.  This is a nationally recognized holiday in the United States; however, it is hoped that anyone, anywhere who has lost a baby or knows anyone who has lost a baby will participate in this event. I will be participating in this event.

I will also be participating in 3rd Annual Rainbow of Roses Rememberance Celebration on Saturday, Oct. 16th.  It's a gathering of BLM (baby loss mommas) to remember those lost and/or to support those who have gone through a pregnancy or infant loss.  I've got some wonderful ladies who are going to come with me to this event.  We're going to remember our angels.

I have to do these things.  In fact, next year I plan to ALSO participate in the walk to remember in Atlanta - found out too late in my schedule to participate in this event this year.

Like I said, I have to spend time in October doing these things - I will always spend time from now on in Oct. doing these things.  In honor of that little life that I lost that has so changed my life, that has meant so much to me.

Even though I'm TTC again, a new baby will never take the place of the one I lost - our Angel Baby.

I'm TTC again because I really believe God wants me to - I really believe there is one out there He means for me to take home and complete our family... I can't believe otherwise...

Regardless of all that, the point of this post is to remember... my lost baby... and those that have suffered a loss.    It's October folks - let's remember!

Please watch...

Finding Acceptance

I just read my last post and thought, "Wow, it kinda sounds like I'm okay with having had a miscarriage."  Here's some of what I wrote in that post...

Then I'll thank Jesus for having held this little one for the short 8 weeks that I got, and I'll thank Him for how he/she has changed my life (for better and worse) because He's using it to improve me and to help others. 

Let me just say, I'm not okay with having had a miscarriage.  And like I said in my last post, the sadness still comes... However, when I read that - and what I hope others see in what I posted when they read it is - I see acceptance. 

Now, acceptance doesn't mean you are okay with something.  Acceptance is kind of like... um... searching for word... resignation?  In a way?  Yeah, I think that's it.  I've resigned myself to my new reality.  To God's reality for me - which in my heart I know is the better one but in my head I'll never comprehend it. 

So, I'm at that stage in the whole grief process of acceptance.  Now, if I could just find acceptance with TTC - that is trying to conceive.

I've been temping - that is taking my basal body temperature in the morning, and yesterday I bought an OPK - ovulation predictor kit - because my chart seemed to have spiked... well, I got, what I think, is a positive OPK. :-)  I'm happy that it looks like I ovulated.  I was worried about that - whether or not I ovulated - last month when I didn't get pregnant.  Actually, I think I'm ovulating sooner than my "normal" which is why I missed the egg last month.  I'm no longer at typical 28 day cycle.

However, Michael and I have been like rabbits every other day since my period ended and are continuing on that trend for this next week because... I REALLY WANT A BFP BEFORE HALLOWEEN!!!  And, I'm pretty sure I'll get it - God willing that is! ;-)

In fact, there's where I need to find acceptance now.  I need to accept it is ultimately under God's control whether or not an egg is fertilized and sticks... and... stays...

Facebook Status:  Praying for acceptance of His timing and will in my life!

a quiet moment

My life is pretty busy - between teaching, coaching the speech team, responsibilities at church, and then my family and friends... well, life goes by fast! I guess I would rather say my life is "full" rather than "busy." But, anyway, that's not why I'm writing this...

I'm having a quiet moment right now. I don't really have any "I have to do this today" things on my weekend list... And it's a three day weekend for me - thank you Columbus day and furlough day (can't believe I just typed that last one). All that said to say, I've got time on my hands!

AND Michael took Beth to church this morning to play with her friends while he's at chior practice. So I'm at home, and it's quiet...

I've started the laundry, and I'm reading some blogs. I came accross this article Recovering After a Miscarriage - thank you Headnotic Beats for sharing :-)

It got me thinking about our Angel Baby.  It's moments like these, the quiet ones, when everyone is out of the house and it's just me and my thoughts, and I'm not busy cleaning or running out the door somewhere... it's moments like this when the saddness creeps in.  Not really a depressed sadness.  Just a sadness.  A... I really wish I was still pregnant and could see my Angel Baby in March like I had hoped...  a longing, I guess, is the best way to describe it. 

Anyone else have moments like this?

When these moments happen, I get to choose what to do next - remain sad or not.  Today, I chose not.  I'm gonna get up, shower, clean around the house, and go run some errands.  But before I do all that, I'm going to take time to dust and clean up around the area where we keep our Angel Baby's memory box, then light a candle for him or her.  Then I'll thank Jesus for having held this little one for the short 8 weeks that I got, and I'll thank Him for how he/she has changed my life (for better and worse) because He's using it to improve me and to help others. 

Thanks for listening to me in my quiet moment :-)

We are NOT alone!

I just need to blog before going to work this morning!!!  I feel like God just spoke to me during my quiet time, and I NEED to remember this and share this.

So I was going through the next chapter in the book that we are using for my online miscarriage bible study and discovered that the section I wanted to cover today was over lonliness.  I sat down, opened it and my bible and began to read the questions and the scriptures in the study... then... I realized something...

This is one of the things I have been struggling with - just when I think a chapter in this book isn't meant for me (aka the previous on on anger) God shows me just the opposite.  For example, this chapter on lonliness was meant for me and for so many others...

For the high school teacher who is feeling discouraged because, although she knows she is a good/effective teacher, she feels like she isn't.  She's discouraged.  Well let me tell you - Jesus knows how you feel!  You are not alone!  He felt the same way while He was on earth teaching and hardly anyone understood who He really was, let alone got any piece of the message He was trying to share.  But, He did it anyway.  Cause it's the right thing to do - and so will you.  Just remember, you are not alone here!

For the teacher who coaches or just anyone who serves in any other way - perhaps at your church or in your community - and gives and gives and gives to the point of exhaustion - until there are some days where you can't give anymore and so have to cancel practice, cut something short, or maybe even take a season or semester off or away from that service... and then you feel guilty about it.  You are not alone!  Even Jesus knew He had a limit!  He would often go off alone by himself, at times leaving behind crowds of people needing and wanting his attention!!  I'm sure He wanted to give it to them - who wouldn't - but Jesus who was fully God but also fully man had a limitation, and you do too!  And it's okay!!  He understands this!  It's okay to put your Lord and you first so then you can come back and be more effective later... He understands this; He lived this!  You are NOT alone!

For those that are suffering through grief, wondering why... wanting God's will in your life but also wanting deliverance from pain and loss... You are NOT alone.  Picture Jesus in the garden of gethsemenee.  See Him there as He cries out, "Lord take this cup from me, but your will be done, not mine."  He knows our struggle! We are NOT alone!

He knows... and He loves us! 

Romans 8:³⁵Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶As it is written:
   "For your sake we face death all day long;
      we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."^{[l] 37}No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

He loves us - We simply need to rest in that!  He's got our back!  Just follow His example.  Trust.  Lean on Him.  When you feel you are alone, know you are NOT!  He understands; just keep fighting the good fight.  He will help you!

I don't know

Tonight I shared that I really feel God is using my Angel Baby in so many ways - in so many ways for me to minister to others.  I shared that I felt my Angel Baby's life, however brief, I think, has meant something and will continue to mean something and will mean something even more... because it changed me...

I shared that, and then I can't shake this feeling... this question... How?  How, Lord should this baby's brief life be affecting my current choices?  What?  What, Lord should I be doing differently right now to better fulfill what you've wanted to see in me because you allowed this to happen in my life?

I don't know what to do with these questions - rather, I know what to do with them, lay them at His feet and seek an answer... You ask, why haven't I done this yet?  Well, honestly... I think I'm scared of the answer.

I don't know.

Have a New Kid by Friday

This parenting thing... well... It's hard!  And my daughter... well... look up strong willed in the dictionary and you will find her picture! 

I'll tell you something people, I do not intend to be one of those parents who are their children's friends.  NOPE!  She will know, I am her mother, and she will respect me!  In my requests, I have her best interests at heart! I'm not unreasonable!

I LOVE my child.  I think she is the most beautiful, intelligent, and creative child to walk this earth - okay, there may be some bias there. I tell her a billion times a day that I love her - I hug her and hold her like I'm about to lose her.  However in addition to all that, the bible teaches us to honor our mother and father so that our days will be long, AND SO I will teach her how to do that and respect others because God has given me that awesome responsibility.

Toward that end, as I have previously mentioned, I purchased the book Have a New Kid by Friday.  Two things I'm learning from this... one, I really did need to learn about patience (as a dear friend and fellow blogger had pointed out to me) and two, I have been consistently inconsistent with my daughter.

Now, everyone knows that if you're not consistent with discipline and your child, then you're not going to be successful in any aspect of training up your child in the way he/she should go, as the bible says we should do.   I had thought I was consistent with her, but this book has helped me realize that I've been consistent with nothing.  Specifically, follow through.  I threaten and I bribe my child to get what I want. Am I alone there?  I don't think so... If anything, this has been consistent.  But, parents shouldn't have to do that - threaten and bribe - to get proper behavior from their children.  It's exhausting!  And like I said earlier, we have their best interests at heart - we love those stinkin boogers! ;-)

So this book, which I'm only half way through reading, has forced me to do two things... #1 lose the threats and the bribes... #2 in their place, if a request is not met with compliance in a timely manner, just impose the consequence.   In this way, the child knows... yes, God gave you that free will you love to exercise so much, but if you use it to disobey me, you've just freely chosen to suffer a consequence.  He, Dr. Kevin Leman author of the previously mentioned book, calls this method the Say it once, Turn your back, Walk away method.

I like this.  It worked well yesterday when I said, "Put these socks and shoes on so we can go to your friend Aiden's birthday party."  She proceeded to whine about how these socks I had given her were ugly socks, and she wasn't going to wear them!  I just sat on the couch reading my book.... She then went to her room, found a new pair of socks and said she was gong to wear these instead.  I just continued to read my book...  She saw I was not moving.  I didn't say a word - normally, I would toss out more threats like... we're not going to go to that party until you put on the socks I chose, or I might say we'd take up her dress up clothes... we'd fight, and because we're both strong willed, it wouldn't end well.   BUT I just sat there, reading my book.  The ball in her court.  And... three mins later, she came out of her room with the socks and shoes I had wanted her to wear. 

SCORE!  But let me tell you - this is hard!  Because that's so not what I would usually do!!  Normally, we would have had a verbal fight over this sock thing which may have ended in a spanking because of her disrespect towards me.  I'd feel bad afterward and so would she.  Thankfully though, with this method, my blood pressure stays low and our relationship isn't as damaged.  And this way, she learns I'm the boss.  She learns to RESPECT me.  And respecting your parents has its rewards - shoot respecting others in life has its rewards!  It's a good lesson to learn!  The attitude goes away, the behavior is respectful, and this will produce the character I want her to develop - like that of Jesus. 

I would highly suggested the book!  So far, so good... Now, if I can just be consistent with this... pray for me.  When she wakes up from her nap, I have to not let her watch the rest of her new Tinkerbell video because she threw the biggest fit against her nap today... ((sigh))  Did I say already that this is hard?!

a moment, please...

I've got a lot going on right now.  A lot of little things pulling at me for my attention - the closets crying out to be cleaned and winter clothes to be put out... the laundry that I let pile up last week and is now waiting to be finished... my sunday school lesson (I teach 2nd grade sunday school) sitting beside me as I type this screaming to be reviewed... a new book I bought today calling my name...  and, my little girl is asleep right now, but during the day she was most definitely a part of this equation, a nice part ;-) ...

I just need to take a moment to type, to think, to process....  You ever just need a moment to STOP all that your doing and just breathe?  That's what I'm doing right now... breathing... as I type (I'm a multi-tasker ;-)...

Thought I'd throw out some updates concerning me...  The charting of my body temp has begun. I'm even putting the information into an online system called fertilityfriend.com.  It's pretty kewl!  Anyway, it's silly how excited I've been to hop out of bed in the mornings after quietly taking my temp so that I can jot down what it was... Sadly, I've never gotten out of bed so fast for anything else in my life - not even my quiet time - yes, yes, very convicting moment...

This temping and reading about temping has really put baby makin on my mind.  I'm excited about it, but then, yeah, I guess I'm upset, angry about it too.  You ask, what do you mean by that?  Well, here's an example of what I mean...

I was shopping with my little girl today, looking for some warmer clothes as the weather begins to get chilly here, and I saw a shirt that would have been perfect for Beth... would have been... could have been... if I was still pregnant with our Angel Baby.  It said, "Big Sister!"  :-(((  And I wanted to cry, right there, in my favorite store - Kohls.  Beth demanded my attention for something, so it was a quick moment... come and gone.  But it was a moment.   It snuck up on me.  I haven't had a moment like that in awhile.

Then suddenly, I was unhappy - depressed - mad.  Yeah, I guess mad.  We're studying how to deal with our anger this week in the online miscarriage bible study that I'm taking.  Anger isn't something I've experienced too much with this miscarriage - sadness, yes, but not anger.  Yet today, I was angry.  Angry that I wasn't pregnant AND angry at having to try to conceive all over again... at having to wait to get a BFP... at knowing then I'll have to wait to see the doctor... then I'll have to wait to feel even the least bit comfortable about the pregnancy until I get past my 1st trimester... and then also angry to know that even if I do clear the imaginary 1st trimester hurdle, that doesn't really mean anything....

(((sigh)))  ---breath---  Okay, that's out.  Thanks for letting me get that out.  I'll be okay... just needed to release all that somewhere, and I'm glad to have this blog and caring people who read it.  ((hugz to all))