Rust

First, please let me say, THANK YOU!  You gals have been so kind, loving, and gracious to me!!  I was in a dark place when I typed that last post, and although I'm still wrestling with many of those emotions, I've got them in check today.  Anyway, I just need to say thanks for all the encouraging comments left for me.

Today, my mother-in-law reminded me that I had promised to post some pics from my last ultrasound. I hadn't forgotten to do it; I've just been lazy.  The printer/scanner is downstairs.  ;-)  Anywhere, here is our bean... well, I guess lemon now. LOL.

I have a regular appointment with my doctor - I was promised I would see her this time! - on Feb. 16th, and then I have the 20 weeks to find out if it's pink or blue appointment on March 16th. 

I kinda got in the new baby mood a bit today when I pulled out a bunch of the baby boy clothes that my sister had given me.  I was showed them to my mother-in-law.  It made me happy.  I also took a look at the crib and the dresser we got when pregnant with our Angel.  It made me a bit anxious to start fixing up that room.  I think that's a good sign.  I also went out and purchased a maternity top to wear to church today.  It made me look pregnant instead of fat.  That was nice.  I'm trying harder to connect with this baby.  I think once we find out if it's a boy or girl, it'll be easier.

Michael and I watched a great movie last night called Rust. I love Christian movies.  They always leave me feeling stronger - inspired - hopeful.  I would highly suggest this one.  A man struggling with his faith because of some awful things that had happened, finds it again.  Needless to say, I needed that message...

Before August 2010

I'm on overload, and I don't know what to do!  Maybe it's just hormones; I don't know.  All I do know is that I just want to STOP.  Can't we just rewind and go back to the way things were - how I had planned for them to be?!  Why is nothing working for me lately?!  I just feel... broken.

Before August 2010 happened, things were good. 

I was pregnant with the child I believed God had told me would complete our family.  We were so happy!  Thinking about baby names, even cleaning up the room for the nursery...  Then August happened.  That child was gone. I  was thrown into a confusion that I haven't been able to shake free from.  Even with our rainbow on the way, I can't get happy about this baby. I should be! I was desperate to be pregnant again!  What's wrong with me?!  I can't seem to connect with this baby like I did our Angel!  Michael and I can't seem to talk baby names AND we still haven't gotten back to fixing up the nursery!!  This is not what I expected...

Before August, our finances were doing so well.  We had money saved, bills were being paid down and/or paid off.  We had a plan in place to pay for our Angel's daycare while also paying for Beth's pre-k in 2011.  However, in August, the cars started breaking down - and you know how much car repairs can be!  Then Beth had to have surgery to remove the tubes from her ears that weren't falling out like they were supposed to!  Just a few things here and there, and there went our savings and into debt we fell again.  In fact, now... we have no plan on how to pay for this new baby's daycare while paying for Beth's pre-k in 2011.  And the sick leave I was planning on using so I could still get a paycheck while out on maternity leave is slowly being depleted.  I had to miss a lot of work with my loss in August.  Much of my leave time was sucked away there.  Now what?! If I stay out 12 weeks with our rainbow, we'll just fall further and further into debt :-(  It's so stressful to think about...

Before August, I was a good teacher.  I was always ahead of the game, pro-active.  I would have my copies/handouts for the month ready on day one of that month.  I could multi-task with the best of them! Now, it's a struggle every day to be prepared for the next day. Kids frustrate me to no end lately.  My sarcasm with them is probably gonna get me into trouble eventually.  I have an overwhelming desire to do NOTHING for/with my speech team.  I'm just tired with responsibility at work, struggling to keep my head above water and not drown. I can hardly get grades entered in my gradebook!  My lunch and planning are mostly spent trying to catch my breath and not puke from nausea. 

Which brings me to my next "before August"... Physically, I felt soooo much better.  And I realize that I'm pregnant now and the nausea and fatigue is largely contributing to my overall feeling of blah, however, knowing that doesn't help me deal with this reality.  A reality that, as I'm now entering the 2nd trimester, doesn't seem to be going away like so many have said it would...  Will I have to suffer with this throughout the whole 9 months?!  That question haunts me and frequently brings me to tears as I drive into work these days. I'm not used to feeling so poorly; it's making me depressed.  As if you couldn't tell if you've read into this post so far...

Before August, I was a better mom.  After August, I had a lot of emotions to work through that took time away from my little girl.  And now pregnant, I can hardly walk, talk, and think by the time I get home... I just wish I could be better for my Beth.  I think it's starting to affect her.  She's had a couple bad days at daycare.  Being mean and disrespectful to her teachers.  I can't help but blame me because I just haven't been able to give her the attention she deserves. 

Before August, I was a better wife.  I'll just leave this one at that.  I don't deserve the awesome husband I have...

Before August, I was a better Christian. I had one of the most consistent quite times I had ever had in my born again life.  Now, I'm so exhausted in the mornings, I can hardly swing my feet out of the bed to throw myself in the shower, let alone get up early enough and  go to my quiet place and pray :-(  We've even been bad about not going back to church on Sunday nights for worship because I'm so worn out with the thoughts of a new work week approaching...  Not having more time for my savior hurts my heart.

It helps to get this yuck all out here.  I guess you could say this is my sick soul vomiting into cyber space.  Now I feel a bit better.  Sorry you got caught in the vomit.  It's one of the reasons I haven't blogged much lately.  Every post, I'm sure, would be some personal pity party. I don't want this place I've created to become that.  I had such higher hopes for this blog...

Also, I don't want to seem ungrateful.  I should be happy now!  I'm expecting a baby.  So many others would die for this opportunity.  I should be able to focus on that alone and be happy!  Yet, why can't I!? Some of you just want to hit me right now - but not as hard as I want to hit myself!

Like I said, earlier.  I feel broken. I'm Humpty Dumpty, fallen off the wall, and I don't know how to put myself back together again.  And right now, I'm too tired to try. :-(

Perfection

Just a quick update.  I had my 12 week scan yesterday - pics to come soon - and the verdict is that our rainbow looks perfect!  Good heartbeat and great measurements of everything that they measure at this point!

I would post the pics now and more about my emotions that day, but I'm so tired!  A good tired!  The week has been good, but I'm obviously not used to working a somewhat full week after so much time off.  That unexpected snow break we got let me get used to sleeping in and taking naps.  Not my working mom reality. 

I'll write a better post this weekend :-) 

ps. The nausea seems to be under control although not gone, and it may be even giving me a little bit of a break, but I shudder to even type this because I may have just jinxed myself  (not that I  even believe in that junk, but just saying;)

I have a four year old!

Here are some highlights from my daughter's fourth birthday party.  It was hit! 



All pretty with face paint, nails and crown from Belle herself!

 

"Belle" came to our party!  She was fun!



Stylish Blogger Award

I got an award!  This award is from Tara at Undeserving Grace.  Thanks friend!!! I'm humbled! 

God has blessed me with this wonderful community of online blogger chicas who are simply here to support one another through life, love, and loss.  The fact that you all care enough to read my words just... well, it blows my mind!  THANK YOU!  ((((MAJOR HUGZ))))

Here are the rules that come with receiving this award....
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!

1. Thank you again Tara! Every Christian blogger should go follow Tara - she is a daily inspiration!

2.  OMGosh! Share 7 things about me? humm.... here goes....

• Did you know? I met my husband online in a chat room - this was before eharmony and all those sites.  Didn't go lookin for love online, but God had a plan there... that's a story for another day.
• I was saved (became a Christan) in July of 1995.  This was the summer before my senior year in high school.  I did not grow up in a Christian home, so again, God had a plan here ;-)
• I love science fiction - Stargate SG-1, Eureka, and right now Sactuary.  It's a guilty pleasure.
• I LOVE 24 and Jack Bauer!  Where would The United States be without him!? ;-)
• cue guilty confession - I'm an English teacher who loves to read but hasn't read a book through in.. well... quite awhile :-(
• I LOVE chocolate!!!!
• My deepest desire - to grow to know, love, and serve the Lord my God more and more!

3. and 4. Here are 15 blogs I love to follow! And I have notified them...

• Nana's Sweeties - This one is new, and I just met Nana. You should meet her too!  A fellow BLM and one of the wisest, nicest Nanas on earth! Please, visit her site and follow it!
• Mary at Blessed Not Crazy - Mary and I are expecting our rainbows around the same time.  She has such a sweet spirit, and I know she could use the same support you give me.  Check her out!
• Alex at Adventures in Mommyhood - A fellow BLM, she is a great mommy to her earthly children and her angel. I love her blog!
• Mattie at Beauty Will Rise - This BLM's strength is amazing!  You'll feel her energy as soon as you visit her site - please do!
• Stephanie at Carried Through Grief - She is nearing her time to give birth to her rainbow! She's been through a lot, but her strength of spirit has taken her through it all!
• Debby at For Your Tears - This woman has been such a blessing to our BLM community.  Show her some love ya'll!
• Deanna at Forever Our Angel - This momma lost her baby to SIDS.  She does some amazing things in honor of her lost River.  Check her out!
• Tiffany at In the Beginning there was Genesis - All I can say about this BLM is that there is no other in our community who strives to remember her angel like she does.  She is amazing.  If you don't know her, check her out!
• Angie at Livinglife - A BLM new to blogging.  Check her out!
• Our Sweet Baby Luisa - This momma just lost her baby to ABS.  She could use our support. Give her some ((hugz))
• Jessica at Too Beautiful for Earth - I had to give a shout out to one of my favorite blogs and friends! If you don't know her, you should!
• Livin' for Ryan - Be sure to show some love to this BLM who is running in memory of her angel.
• Katherine at Grow Baby Grow - Here's a high five to my girl Katherine!  Great blog!
• Melissa at Amazing Mikayla Grace - Another great BLM who does an excellent job remembering her Mikayla!
• Andrea at Life, Love & Persuit of our Fairytale - To know this blogger, is to love this blogger :-)  SO SWEET - You'll want to follow her and her rainbow.

Enjoy reading into these lovely ladies lives!
((hugz))

major fails

Well, it's official.  School is closed again tomorrow.  Monday - Thursday = no school!  I'm guessing Friday they'll do something creative, like teachers only and a two hour delay or maybe school for all but a two hour delay...  Won't know till late tomorrow afternoon, probably.

With each day I'm off from work, I'm more and more thankful for the time!  As badly as I've been feeling with this pregnancy, things that I could have gotten done in one day have taken me all week long to get accomplished - like cleaning and preparing the house for my daughter's birthday party.  Seriously, I don't know how I would have gotten everything ready without these days off!  They have been a God send!!

On that same note, I got to dust!  I don't do this often, but some pieces of furniture needed desperate attention!  I started in my bedroom this morning, and I came across the place where we keep our Angel's memorial box.  Since I found out I was pregnant and got really sick with nausea and fatigue, I'd stopped lighting a candle next to the box for awhile.  I used to be really consistent about doing this.  However, most days/nights if I'm not asleep on the couch, I'm at work.  So, I just hadn't done it.  When I came to it today to dust that area, I felt... um.... sad.  Like I'd failed our Angel by not lighting his/her candle more regularly.  Well, I took care of that immediately!

It's not as if being pregnant with my rainbow has made me miss my Angel any less or made me think of him/her less.  On the contrary!  I think it's made me miss him/her more!  A fellow blogger who had a loss and is now also pregnant at the same time as me with her rainbow said it best, ""How do you stop yourself from thinking about the baby you lost every time you think about the baby you are carrying?"  And really, I don't know the answer to that question....

In addition to this frustration, I'm not making any progress with my memorial forget-me-not angels idea.  You know how I made some and then planted one to see how it would do?  Well, then I went on Christmas vacation up north and forgot to tell the girl watching the house and the animals to water it, so they died
 :-((( major Angel mommy fail - blah!

To make matters worse, it's hard to get up the energy to go through the process of making more right now.  I'm still hoping to get these angels made for ya'll in March - the month my Angel was due - but I'm bummed about my lack of progress.

Well, in the words of Scarlet O'Hara, "Tomorrow is another day!" 

Snow Days!

Here in Georgia, if we have anything remotely frozen fall from the sky, things shut down!  And let me tell you, the sky opened up Sunday night!

So no work for me today and they've already cancelled school for tomorrow. Not sure when all this is gonna melt!  hehe  I LOVE IT!

The nausea, vomiting, and fatigue is still a daily battle, so I am beyond grateful for these days off!  Especially since my daughter's 4 year birthday party is gonna be at the house on Saturday. I've hired Belle to come and entertain some of her fellow princesses. ;-)  I need time to clean!  I hate having stuff at my house, but it was a somewhat cheaper route this year.  Hopefully by then all this snow will have melted!  I did have to reschedule her first birthday party due to snow.  I certainly don't want that to happen again!   This princess would be mighty upset!

Well, peeps, gotta run!  ((hugz))

another appointment

I had another doctor's appointment today.  Again, I didn't get to see my doctor.  This is very different compared to when I had Beth.  She is the same doctor; I loved her! Wait, change to present tense, I love her!  However, one of the reasons I enjoyed having her for a doctor was because A- I always got to see and talk to her when I came in and B- I always got an ultrasound. 

Well, so far, I haven't seen my doctor since my loss, and today, I didn't get an ultrasound.  The equipment was broken, and the lady who saw me didn't know how to use  the "big fancy" ultrasound.  In fact, today's visit all the way out to the big city was a bit pointless.  I saw a physician's assistant, I think, and besides checking my pee, taking my blood pressure, and weighing me (blah!), all we did was talk about my past history and whether or not I wanted to try for VBAC or just go C-Section.

Oh well, at least I got a refill on my zophran.  I go back in two weeks for an ultrasound, for sure.  Wonder if I'll finally see my doc then...